This morning I was vacuuming and my dear old boy stretched, got off of his very comfy spot on the couch and meandered over to the door, so I let him out in the back yard and continued on with the task at hand. About ten minutes later, which is usually a sufficient amount of time for him to do his business, I opened the door and there was no dog standing there waiting for me. So I resumed cleaning the stairs. And then this little feeling started niggling at me, “Why wasn’t Lucas ready to come in? How unlike him…” I out into the yard and spied my boy, he was laying by the back garden, a spot I don’t usually see him resting in and I will admit…I got a sinking feeling in my gut. It is odd…there is this part of me that really hopes that this dog will be the one to check out on his own terms…to lay down and fall asleep and not get up one day. I have this vision of how much better or more peaceful it will feel if I don’t have to make that dreaded trip to the Vet to say good bye. He lay there and I stood on the deck staring at him with mixed feelings….he looked so peaceful and happy, but my inner voice was screaming…”NO, no…not today….I am not ready!” I was trying to make noise to see if he would stir, nope, he lay their very still….I couldn’t see his chest rising and falling. I wandered over to where he lay and stood over him, nothing. I knelt down beside him, my knees getting wet and kissed his head. Poor dog, I startled him, he jumped up, eyes wide. Up to that point he had been enjoying soaking up the sun’s rays without the disruption of my vacuuming noises!
It is hard to reconcile what we think we want…and what we actually want. All I can say is I am happy that he was just soundly sleeping today and hope, that one day….way down the line, that maybe he can move on when he is ready and hopefully I can share the same sentiment. And here is hoping that I don’t scare the dog to death in the interim, while I am checking for signs of life….I wonder if he finds it irritating that his people keep thinking he is ready to check out when he is just enjoying the warmth of the suns on a lovely autumn day?!